2016 Mar 4
by Sanjuli Gunatillake Ekanayake
This story includes a work of fiction, but as Richard (Rodgers) Castle so eloquently put it: “I’ve found that the most believable of stories have a kernel of truth in them.”
Prepare yourself for more than a kernel; however this will only be tackling one aspect of the problem; female victims. Future articles will tackle other aspects.
“You’re not going out dressed like that, are you?” her mother said, glaring up and down at what the girl believed was a chic ensemble of a denim jacket, pearly white tank top, cheeky black shorts that left the vast expanse of her tan, healthy legs exposed to the not-yet-unpleasant chill in the air, with pink Vans sneakers that she had purchased only a few days ago. The girl shifted her backpack to her other shoulder, and said “yes, Ammi. Tehani and I are just going to the corner coffee shop, for some research. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m wearing.” Her mother glared some more, and stood in front of her daughter, blocking her way to the door, the loving fear in her voice a sharp contrast to the look on her face. “Putha, I’m only telling you because I love you, change out of those shorts into longer pants. I know you’re not trying to be indecent but this is only inviting trouble.”
And this, ladies and gents, is the problem. This is my problem. This is every girl’s problem. This should be one of the problems that we as a generation should be trying to fix our mentalities about, even if we can’t convince our parents otherwise. The concept that clothing invites trouble has been drilled into my brain since I was old enough to choose which clothes I liked and disliked. I have always leaned towards conservative clothing, in the more extreme sense, clothes at least four times too big for me, clothes that showed the least amount of skin possible, clothes that didn’t invite trouble because my mother scared me. She told me stories about men in the night, men who would prey on young girls, ripping off their short, tight, tantalizing clothes and shaming them in front of their families and the eyes of the law, because the girl’s clothes invited trouble. She was too appealing and because of that, men believed that the girl was asking for it, begging to be used in the dirtiest sexual way possible. We can’t blame our parents for this, this mentality has been passed down through generations like family heirlooms, but let me invite you all to just stand up to this and say that “the buck stops here.”
The proverbial buck for the objectification of any body stops here.
But the mentality of blaming the victim has long been present in cultures around the world, seeing the victim as the bearer of the responsibility of protecting their virtue and purity. Rokstan M[1] was my age when she had fled to Germany, where she helped asylum seekers, even though she was burdened with a terrible secret: she had been gang-raped by three men while she was back in her home country, Syria. She had said that her mother and brothers called her “unclean” and that she deserved to die, as she had brought shame upon her family name by being raped.
And some time later, she was found in a shallow grave, in what authorities assume to consider an honor killing, undertaken by her own father and brothers. I am mortified and deeply saddened to say that we belong to a species who, in certain regions and cultures of the world, not only accept, but actually encourage the family of an “impure” person (a rape victim, a divorce seeker, a girl in a romantic relationship before marriage) to renounce their family’s name and honor by killing the aforementioned “impure” person.
I am as shocked now as I was when I learnt of this term years ago, and I hope you are too. I hope you are shocked enough to talk to someone about this, and that person is shocked enough to tell someone else and that this gathers momentum until it reaches the ears of someone with more influence than one teenager, so that person could re-elaborate to the people of these cultures that both rape and murder are punishable crimes, and also simultaneously promulgate the idea that rape is not the victim’s fault.
It cannot be blamed on her clothes, he drinking, her behavior, even her state of consciousness at the time of the act. Unless she specifically states before, during and after that she actually wants to engage in sexual relations, it is rape. It’s not “#ItAintRape because he/she didn’t say no,” its
So instead of reading this article and forgetting about it: here are a few things we can take away as life hacks, if you will:
- Its not the victim’s fault. As such, be supportive.
- Its not the fault of the victim’s clothes or behavior or drinking. As such, don’t look judgmentally at the victim.
- Talk to your parents about this, and don’t wait for the next time we hear about a four year old who had been raped and murdered on the news. Alleviate this culture with each conversation.
- Teach your children the differences between a friendly touch, a violent act and a sexual assault.
- Ensure to keep the conversation open throughout their lives. You could be protecting your children from encountering a rapist, or from becoming one.
[1] http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3262990/Syrian-gang-rape-victim-fled-Germany-ordeal-stabbed-death-honour-killing-ordered-mother-seen-unclean-sex-assault.html
