2020 Apr 1
From the toilet paper wars in Australia, to the emptying of tea-and-biscuit aisles in supermarkets across the UK, the COVID-19 outbreak is, no doubt, causing quite a frenzy all across the world. So much so, that the entire world has come to a halt, and our country is under strict curfews – for days at times. And it’s when these curfews are lifted across the country that we get to see a number of different types of people take the spotlight. So in the spirit of it being the 1st of April, we thought we might bring you a little laughter at an, otherwise, uncertain time.
Now, this is someone we all know – “The Hoarder” is that frantically panicking aunty at the store, you’re most likely to find stocking up on milk powder like her life depends on it. Yes, while the rest of the world is fighting over toilet paper, ours fight to make sure they get their quintessential evening cup of tea on the daily. And if you take a peep at this aunty’s trolley, chances are you might get a peak at a questionably large number of soya-meat packets, parippu to last a year, and an obscene amount of eggs.
THE TOUCH-ME-NOTS- (AKA THE GERMAPHOBES)
The profile of a “Touch-Me-Not” can vary between, either a woke teenager or a middle-aged mom. But if you’re going to bet on who it’ll be, I’d have my money on the latter. This person will come full-on ready for anything and everything, follows every rule in the book and comes with all the bells and whistles – they’ll wear a face mask (and probably carry another, in case the first one gets contaminated), carry hand sanitizers enough for a village, and there’s a decent chance that they’ll opt to wear a hazmat suit if that was in the cards. Not to mention, being a big germaphobe, this person will most probably end up not getting everything on the list done as intended, due to being more concerned about what they might come in contact with.
THE CURFEW BREAKER
This person is sure set on getting a head start to the day. So much so, that they will decide to leave to the store at least 30 minutes before curfew is even lifted. The Curfew Breaker is also known to have a strong game plan for the whole day, but will most likely joke around with neighbours (via calls, of course) about not having any plan at all and say “mona plan da bung?”, as an effort to make sure nobody is on to them.
THE LAST MINUTE “BUY-A-ZILLA”
This person would have woken up late – who would blame them, given all our sleep schedules are kind of messed up these days – and most probably run off to the store with their pyjamas. Pushing their trolley down the aisles at the supermarket, you can find this person, short of breath and still squinting their eyes, set to stock up on all that they can lay their eyes on.
THE CONQUEROR OF ALL
These are the people who decide to hit the stores with only one motive – divide and conquer. They will initially go into one store where they will then split up and head out into different stores. You can easily spot these people as they will, more often than not, be in a phone call and constantly utter “ayyo oheth nadda?”.
THE “PARK WALKER”
The name says it all! This person will take their own sweet time like it’s a walk in the park, and most likely have no idea what the term “urgency” means. Very much like when overtaking a slow walker, there is an unmatched satisfaction that comes when you low-key show how annoyed you are with this person, by filling up your trolley faster than even you normally would, just to make sure this person would notice you.
Ahh… a germaphobe’s worst nightmare come true. If you thought social-distancing was not going to get anything done, well, think again. This person knows no boundaries and will “cough-cough-achoo” you all the way out of the store. They will also most probably not be able to tell the difference between 1 meter and personal space. It’s as if this person was living under a rock and missed out on every single health-care video put out there telling people to take precautions. So let’s just say no one is safe around this person.
THE KADE MUDALALI
The Kade Mudalali, while not someone you’d find when shopping at Keells, is quite the “dial eka”. You’ll find this man at your nearest grocery store, and if you want to spot him, look for the middle-aged uncle sweating bullets, top buttons of his shirt undone and, of course, a short temper. With an overwhelming crowd big enough to go to war with, the mudalali is always on the lookout for any sly hands. And more often than not, this person will end the day with a very personal hatred towards the question. “(item name) iwarada?”.
So did we miss anyone that you might have noticed in your grocery runs when curfews are lifted? If we did, let us know in the comments!