2018 Feb 12
Valentine’s Day is all fun and games until everyone you know is getting married but you – you are horrifically, undoubtedly, irrevocably single. But there’s plenty of ways to spend your time all by your lonesome on this day, in spite of the fear of getting trampled by love struck couples walking around the city of Colombo. Here is a detailed list of how to be single on Valentine’s Day, or alternatively, how to cope with crushing loneliness (we hope not).
1. Oppose the capitalist propaganda
Firstly, you must always, always be vehemently opposed to the capitalist propaganda this holiday encourages. Now, we have all heard the spiel on Mother’s Day, and Father’s day about how this is all just for greeting card makers to make money, and every day should be Mother’s day. My advice to you? Go find that one auntie or uncle who is the President, Secretary and Treasurer of this club in your life, and have a good healthy session of complaining about what the world has come to.
2. Be thankful that you don’t have to scramble for a present
Another staple in being single on Valentine’s Day is watching (and laughing heartily) at the people that scramble to buy their partner a gift, but they forgot, of course, so here they are on the day of, at the supermarket. You can spot them by the panic in their eyes, and the constant phone-checking. One vivid memory that lasts a lifetime about Valentine’s Day is when you happen to be minding your own business, shopping at Arpico and you see some desperate soul run to the cash register with a single red rose, a teddy bear, and a box of chocolates. Savour those moments, and be thankful you aren’t making the cashier have to hold in giggles as they ring you up.
3. Save your money
Thirdly, you must complain at how expensive chocolate is and thankful you don’t need to waste your precious money on it. It’s worth an arm and a leg (because it’s never just any old Ritzbury chocolate, let’s be real, it’s always the Lindt, or Ferrero Rocher), and it just encourages an unhealthy lifestyle. This is also an excellent point to bring up with afore mentioned auntie or uncle – they tend to like talking about prices being very high and sugar being bad for you.
4. Shrug it off
When the day rolls around you will feel it. The deep, crushing loneliness, the utter devastation of continuing in this world alone because social pressure will get you every time, and no matter how hard you try there is always that tiny niggling fear that you will be #foreveralone.
That is, until you get yourself together and decide you have no time for that nonsense. Then, to make up for not having that special someone to share a single day out of 365 with, shrug it off, and ask everyone in the vicinity to be your Valentine. You have the capability to have more than one special person in your life to be celebrated on this day, and therefore you should. Plus, you would get ten times the attention, so take that, happy couples out there.
5. Do something different instead
Do something fun and different for a change! Get your (single) buddies together on Zoom and have a virtual Single’s night. Spend some time alone, focusing on self-care or working towards your goals. Valentine’s Day can be about self love too!
Your Valentine’s day will therefore be spent with less chocolate than you may like but a lot more amusing stories to tell your kids some day. Besides, the chocolate goes on sale the very next day, why pay more for it today when you can get that sweet Ferrero Rocher for half price tomorrow?
