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20 Things That Might Have Happened If Harry Potter Was Based in Sri Lanka

2017 May 4

Most of us 90s babies and Millennials were raised reading the fictional life story of the courageous Boy Who Never Grew Up (that’s Peter Pan, my bad) Boy who Lived – a heroic saga of how the brave and courageous Harry Potter defeated the Dark Lord with the help of his best friends. At its very roots, it is the classic tale of good vs. evil, and where the Light defeated the Dark and triumphed at the end of the day. However, how different would it have been, if the tale had been set in the Pearl of the Indian Ocean instead?

  1. The Feasts in the Great Hall would consist of a variety of mouthwatering Sri Lankan delicacies, from string hoppers and rotis to sweetmeats and faluda.
  2. The lady with the trolley on the Hogwarts Express would have a cart full of rolls, patties, isso vade and Thambili, and would slowly drag herself down the corridors whilst announcing her wares in a loud voice.
  3. Think the Slytherins are bad? It would be near impossible to decide on the actual winner of a Hogwarts Quidditch match, as match fixing would be at large.
  4. Moaning Myrtle? More like Bhayakarana Bhagya.
  5. Madame Puddifoot’s tea shop would be an adorable little kade on The Galle Face beachfront, cleverly hidden well out of view from any of the main roads and the eyes of prying relatives, and would be packed to the brim with couples huddled under a rainbow of umbrellas, daintily sipping Elephant House Cream Soda whilst staring into each other’s eyes (their respective partner’s, not the eyes of some other chick with her boyfriend, since that may not end too well).
  6. The Yule Ball would be full of disapproving teachers, wrapped in colourful saris and covered in even more colourful makeup, monitoring the students’ behaviour with a piercing gaze, and ensuring that no hanky panky was underfoot.
  7. Want to buy a wand or a new set of books for the new semester? Head on over to a hidden section off Pettah, where everything is open to bargaining, and where haggling is a must!
  8. The Weasleys wouldn’t be the only family around with at least 7 children…*winks with exaggeration*
  9. You wouldn’t have to discreetly walk through the wall to enter Platform 9 3/4 – just let the wave of sweaty commuters slide you through comfortably, with comfortable being a very relative term here.
  10. According to Pottermore, J. K. Rowling describes the Knight bus as “one that can fit through deceptively small spaces and travels at a higher speed that a normal bus” – this sounds quite like the average Sri Lankan private bus. Except Stan Shunpike would probably be attired in a dirty brown shirt that hasn’t been washed in days, chewing on a betel leaf, whilst trying to cram as many people into the bus as possible, to the point where it resembles a can of sardines.
  11. Those creepy catcallers on the street would be much harder to come by, given the legitimate threat of being hexed by the girl you were jeering at (Conjunctivitis may do a lot more damage than giving them pink eye).
  12. Brewing Amortentia (a powerful potion that would cause powerful infatuation or obsession in the drinker) would be absolutely pointless since Amma and Thaththa are probably going to decide who you marry anyway.
  13. Howlers – or as any Sri Lankan would know, what Amma may turn into on a bad day.
  14. Boggarts would probably turn into a gecko, a cockroach, or that nosy (but secretly terrifying) auntie who would go running to your mother if she ever saw you together with anyone from the opposite sex who isn’t directly related to you. 
  15. The Divination class might have featured a lot more tea-drinking than tea-leaf reading.
  16. *Teacher reacting to a typical scene where Harry does something stupid that lands him and half his grade in trouble*McGonagall – Have a biscuit, PotterYour typical Sri Lankan teacher – WHAT HAVE YOU GONE AND DONE NOW, YOU IDIOTIC, PISSU KOLLA? YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR MOTHER AND FAMILY AND YOUR COW AND…
  17. Hermione would have probably been the Chosen One, with her outstanding grades and promising career prospects (at least in the eyes of her teachers) as opposed to Harry, who would have probably gotten himself killed in the first year waaaayyyy before Voldy had a chance at him, if not for his two closest friends (except Ron was probably a bigger idiot than Harry was).
  18. Volde- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would definitely be a LOT more tan than currently depicted.
  19. The word Aiyo might have summed up the feelings of most of Harry’s teachers when he stepped into a classroom (yes, he was the Boy who Lived, but he was also the Boy-who-barely-scraped-through. TBH, even he admits that his OWLs took him by surprise)
  20. And finally, this otherwise touching scene might not be quite as special anymore:

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