2016 May 30
by Azraa Killru
- You need to cut off all ties with your ex
The “let’s be friends” is the worst possible scenario you can put yourself through. If you have ever been in a serious relationship with someone and loved them, you can’t be friends (at least not right after the break up). Your ex-lover doesn’t necessarily need to remain your AmbaYaluwa!
This is one of the biggest facade exes can maintain with one another so as to soothe the pain of the break up and know what’s going on in each other’s’ lives.
But it’s a definite no-no if you want to move on. Stop meeting them. Block them off your social media. Tell mutual friends not to pass information about them to you.
Sometimes this might be difficult to avoid completely if you work, study or have commitments together. The finest way is to make it clear that you don’t want to interact with him/her and ignore each other to the best of your ability. The intention is to make them an irrelevant part of your life.
- Destroy memories
Any gifts, cards, letters, messages, photographs should be cleared off. Dump them in the garbage (and don’t look back).
If you really need to retain evidence of your relationship for any purpose, perhaps store them somewhere you won’t come across accidentally – maybe give it over to a friend or if there are images and messages store them via an online storage method. The point is, you don’t have to keep looking at them and recall memories.
- Keep the love saviours away
Some friends and family apparently find it excruciatingly painful to see that both of you have parted ways and decide to take matters in their own hands. They will say “Nangi, he is a good guy” or “Machan, pissudaoyata?”
If you know it is not the best course for you, put your foot down. Tell them not to interfere. Soon they will get the message. It might be vital to cut off some mutual friends if you know your mental health is deteriorating because of their presence.
- Avoid
- Common places you frequented together on dates (from isso wade at Galle Face Green to coffee shop havens – at least for a while)
- Movies that were significant to you both (How badly do you want to watch the same movie again?)
- Music that brings back memories (There are millions of songs. Delete the old ones! Tough? If you can’t bring yourself up to delete a song from your playlist, how do you think you are going to summon the willpower to remove your ex from your mind? New numbers keep hitting the chart all the time. So there is always a better replacement! – Music, I mean!)
- Perfumes/scents that your ex used because smell is a strong memory trigger
- Stop stalking your ex
Whether it is following the person discreetly, asking friends for updates, stalking their social media feeds, latest check-ins or WhatsApp last seen – STOP IT! If you are used to it, it might take time to shirk off the habit completely but begin with frequenting less towards it. It will decline over time if you keep reminding yourself that the less you know about them, the sooner and easier you can move on. You don’t need to know everything that is going on in their life anymore!
- Analyse your emotions
Overthinking, huh? You are likely to be confused for days, weeks or even months. This cannot be overcome immediately but with effort, you definitely will. Thousands of people have been at the same point and made it out beautifully. You will too. But first have a good cry. Share with your closest confidants.
Don’t suppress your emotions. It achieves nothing. But a good cry will clear your mind. Then make a firm decision – Do you want your ex back or are you willing to move on? Only then, can you really set out in your healing process.
Dissect your emotions – Is the turmoil within you guilt over breaking up, fear of your future or anger over the betrayal? Knowing what you are feeling and why you feel that way is the first step to overcoming the negative emotions. (More on #8)
- Changes! Changes! Changes!
Reevaluate your situation. A relationship gone wrong might seem like your entire world has crashed down but it does not have to be necessarily true. You can work on improving different arenas of your life:
- Mental – As the saying goes “Everything is in the mind!” Learn what your weaknesses are. Do you fear making decisions? Are you a pessimist? Read good books, watch inspiring videos, talk to people who have endured trauma, and learn what strengthened them.
- Physical – Maybe this is the ideal time for a makeover, a healthier diet, and fitness goals. A change in appearance can boost your self-confidence, which is the foremost factor that shatters after a break up. Go check out all the new styles and trends in town. It can be more fun than sulking at home over your ex.
- Social – There is so much more to the world than you ever knew. Meet new people. Make friends. Go outside your little world and learn all the new beginnings life has to offer you. Sometimes trusting strangers after what you’ve been through might be challenging but it is not fair to filter everyone through the same lenses you’ve seen your ex with. You cannot evolve without trusting and being open to novelty.
- Mind training
Stop contemplating on the negatives! Stop dwelling on the whys and what ifs. They will take you nowhere apart from an endless cycle of self-imposed misery. It is comfortable for the mind to stagnate at the negative thoughts. Let go. Train your mind to become more positive. Sometime this is a colossal challenge and that is where professional help should be sought.
Lankans still fear terms like counselling and therapy. The social stigma associated with these are biased, prejudiced and most importantly, destructive – to you! Why do you need to assign yourself to endless depression just because what anyone else could think of you? After all, it is a personal choice.
Especially the Asian men have been bred to “tough it up” and if they learn you sought therapy to get over a woman, they will have a fit of laughter. You may be suggested to just “Have a Beer and chill.” Don’t let the fear of dogma stop you from doing the right thing for you. If you feel this is the right choice – Go for it. Nobody is going to console you always with their Ayyo Paw so you need to become stronger to no longer feel paw for yourself.
- Don’t jump ships!
Don’t start off a new relationship right after you ended one. You need time to heal for a healthier personality. When you immediately begin dating somebody else, it could be a temporary replacement for filling up empty gaps. This will cause heartache and inflict more damage. Heal before you can love.
- New priorities
Allocate your time to indulge in new activities, hobbies and pursue your passion. Dedicate more time for friends and family. Sign up for all the prospects coming your way – because when you look around, you see that they will. Do something spontaneous, break the routine, and stray away from your norms. This will create more excitement in life. You will learn that life presents you with a better dimension.
Life gets better. I can’t tell you whether you will be happy again in a day, a month, a year or longer. But you will be really happy soon enough!
