2018 Jan 3
There is really no denying that Sri Lanka is a beautiful place to call home. We’ve got great beaches, lots of tea and cheese kottu. However, let’s be real, every place has its problems! Now you probably think I’m talking about the super slow internet, the scorching sun or the insane amount of traffic. But no, I’m referring to the fact that Lanka is also home to the psycho partners we unfortunately end up dating sometimes. So, in the spirit of the new year, let me attempt to make life a bit better for you and share some ways of finding out if you’re dating a Lankan psycho.
1. When he’s too cheesy too early
If you’ve watched movies like Me Before You, The Proposal, or Titanic, it’s safe to say that you’re a pushover for cute, cheesy love. But to the average Lankan psycho, your cheesy cravings make you super easy prey. Hitting you with flowery pick-up lines is simply what they do! So when a guy you’ve known for less than three months starts texting things like “You’re my everything”, don’t start blushing and getting butterflies. Hit that block button and run! These may be the words you’ve been waiting to hear your whole life but believe me, you do not want to hear them from a pissa. Additional tip: if their cheesy lines feel like movie love to you, that’s nothing to get excited about! You’re hanging around someone who memorizes lines from films just to hit on you. BEEP BEEP BEEP RUN!
2. When he’s too clingy
Who here dreams of being with a caring partner? Someone who makes sure you got home safely, worries about you when you’re ill and – if you’re real lucky – someone who cuts your toenails because you’re just too damn scared to (yes, some of us never grow up). That’s all sweet and beautiful. But hey, you need to learn how to draw the line between being caring and just being plain creepy. When they start googling you on the web, when they go through all 1000 of your Facebook pictures, when they give you a 100 missed calls, that’s not caring – that’s stalking! Of all the lovey dovey quotes in Romeo and Juliet, my favourite is Friar Laurence’s wise saying; “violent delights have violent ends”. Basically, it’s not healthy to care for anyone too intensely. After all, Romeo and Juliet both wound up committing suicide together in the end. I rest my case!
3. When he blames everything on his exes
Have you ever met someone who keeps pointing at every passing human being and says, “that’s my ex”? Major red flag. Now don’t get me wrong – having several failed relationships is not psychotic. Sometimes love just doesn’t work out. But when a person proudly shares with you the pictures of everyone they’ve dated, that’s the equivalent of Cruella devil showing off all her dog skinned coats! And somehow, all 15 break ups were NEVER his fault. Believe me, no relationship screw up is ever about just one person messing up. So if this dude is trying to convince you that he’s always been the victim, that’s probably because he’s too psychotic to see any of his flaws.
4. When he asks for inappropriate pictures
Sigh… the human race has officially hit rock bottom. Somewhere in Lankan offices, in schools or in tuition classes, there is a nutty man out there who starts off by saying you’re beautiful and then a few months later, begs for inappropriate pictures of you. The scary thing is, he’s mastered the art of asking for one. He’ll butter you up real nice so it’ll be hard to resist. But giving a psycho perv a naked picture of you is like giving a killer the knife to stab you with. Don’t trust someone so much to give the power to blackmail you later on. Just don’t.
5. When he suddenly becomes distant
Let me hold your hand for this one. Have you ever met a dude who starts out by claiming that he misses you all the time, thinks of you every day, loves to hear your voice all the time and then three months later…he’s just too busy to even remember you exist?? That’s not normal. That’s not OK. When this happens, it’s very likely you will spend a lot of time blaming yourself, wondering what you did wrong for someone to be so indifferent out of the blue. But honestly, it’s really not your fault! I know it’s easier said than done but, just move on. Move on unless you want to end up being roommates with him in Angoda.
6. When he tries to win you back
Sometimes if you’re real unlucky, this lunatic will someday come back and try to win you over again. He’ll call all your friends (trust me I’ve gotten the 4 A.M calls from my friend’s psycho ex. At least have respect for a person’s bedtime!), send you emails (since you blocked him on FB and Whatsapp) and stand outside your work place if he has to. This is not cute, I REPEAT, this is not cute. Don’t go running back into his arms because chances are, a week later he’ll be trying to leave you again. You deserve so much better than that.
On behalf of all the men out there, don’t be offended because I’m guessing there are plenty of women who are completely cuckoo as well. I wouldn’t know, I haven’t dated a girl yet. Regardless of whether you’re a girl or boy, if you’re dating a Lankan psycho who takes pleasure in toying with your feelings, take a page from Tiffany Haddish and poop in his/her shoes for all the shit the psycho put you through. Then dump their sorry bum and enjoy 2018. Happy new year everyone!
For every psycho Lankan boyfriend out there, there’s an equally psycho Lankan girlfriend to match up! Check out the flip side below!