2018 Jun 12
Let’s accept the hard truth. You’re not as young as you once were, so your metabolism is about functional as a 3-year-old iPhone. But because you’re not ready to give up the sugary, high calorie food you love, you have no choice but to start…. gymming.
Stage 1: Buying the right stuff
Fun fact: females are prone to being perfectionists. So guys, it’s not that we are “neurotic” or “crazy”- god just decided to program our brains that way. Because we are perfectionists, most women would find it impossible to start going to gym without the necessary tools at their disposal. This would include at least 7 pairs of athletic T-shirts and bottoms (Since you’re planning to go gym EVERYDAY). Secondly, tons of healthy food and a fancy bottle for energy drinks. Finally, a really good waxing kit because let’s face it, you want your legs looking perfect when you’re doing pilates.
Stage 2: Amma’s cooking getting in the way
After about a week of shopping, you finally engage in a good workout. As you head back home, you promise yourself to eat less carbs tonight and just stick to the ghastly healthy food Google recommends. And then, lo and behold you get a whiff of Amma’s cooking. Now in western countries, perhaps it’s Smashburger or Wendy’s that could ruin a diet. But in Sri Lanka, it’s our mothers’ string hoppers, lamb curry, and/or fish cutlets that render all that gym time useless. “Ah duwa you’re home!! Come eat, I made your favourites!” Oh well… so much for that carb free, sugar free (basically water) healthy smoothie you were planning on.
Stage 3: Expecting instant results
Women, whether it’s a text, the perfect man or the ideal figure, want things to happen quickly. After about a week of gymming, you expect to fit into that saree jacket you wore as a skinny teenager. You expect all the salon aunties to praise you for your weight loss. Maybe you should start your own fitness blog?! But sadly, the miracle you hope for is unlikely to take place so soon. As you step on to that weighing scale, you realize that your dream of making a before and after Instagram post is shattered. And so, you decide to comfort yourself with a box of your granny’s homemade marshmallows.
Stage 4: Procrastinating
In view of your relapse back to comfort food and sulking in bed about being chubby, it’s safe to say that you haven’t been going to gym consistently. Whenever the need to work out pops up, your brain immediately dismisses it with a multiplicity of excuses. “I love myself the way I am”, “There are too many people at gym today”, “Damn my menstrual cycle just started” and the ever popular…“I’m tired.” Maybe gymming isn’t for you…perhaps yoga? Oh that would be brilliant since you get to go shopping all over again!
Stage 5: Getting back on that horse
After weeks of excuses and loafing, you’ve had enough! The chocolate wrappers scattered near your bed and the double chin that has developed as a result compel you to get back to gym. But first, you need to google a few “Going to gym quotes” and watch several inspirational videos. As you start to get distracted in this process, Thaththa makes the final push; “Here am I paying for your gym membership just so you can stay home on the internet? Go before I cancel it! Wasting money on these children…” And so, you slip into your gym clothes and rush out while yelling “Amma don’t make anything nice to eat!!”