2018 Jun 18
Stage 1: The dawn of realization
Your jeans have been feeling extremely tight. So you decide that you are going to push yourself to achieve the body of your dreams. What does this mean? It’s time to start that dreaded diet.
Stage 2: Let’s start from Monday
You can’t possible start a diet from Thursday like some weirdo. So you wait for the dawn of a new day, so that you would have the fresh mind to start something as important as dieting. You go shopping and buy oats, lots of greens, and skip the ice cream. You plan what you are going to eat for breakfast from the coming Monday onward.
Meanwhile, today will be your last day to eat what you like, right? So you order a feast: A fried chicken bucket from KFC for lunch and a large, extra cheese, extra mayo, double chicken pizza from Pizza Hut with a side of potato wedges, garlic bread and a Choco Lava Cake to finish it all off.
And now, you are just about ready to begin the week ahead.
Stage 3: Fulfilling those (difficult) promises to yourself
You are on the bus, on your way home, after a long day of meetings. You pass by carts of Isso Wade and Kottu shops. But you are clear. You know your goals, you have purpose and you have meaning. You are so much stronger than this. So you put on your earphones and try to stop thinking about food.
You get home. Your mom has made just what you asked her to: salad and boiled chicken breast. Your insides clench and you close your eyes and slowly eat. You try to convince yourself that this meal that is completely lacking in flavor is exactly what you were craving the whole day.
“Mmmmmmm…. Nothing like a delicious salad…. Just the thing I was craving all day……”
Maybe if you pour Oyster sauce all over it, it would taste like something?
Stage 4: Everyone decides to order biriyani for lunch
“No, thank you, I am making healthier choices for a better me.”
You aren’t going to have Biriyani, you stick to your daily meal of 1 cup of brown rice, chicken breast and veges. Everyone gives you pitiful looks but you are stronger than that. You quietly turn back to your very appealing looking meal and eat slowly. If healthy food had some flavor, it seriously wouldn’t be this hard.
Stage 5: Why is working out this hard?
“Oh my god, I think I just broke my Uterus.”
Years of inactivity got you huffing and puffing and making a scene in the middle of the gym, while the buff guy on the machine next to you runs at speed 10, for a solid 30 minutes straight. You seriously regret coming here. Everyone’s giving you sympathetic looks as you recover on a bench.
Stage 6: One more salad and I’m going to turn into one
You are trying to love vegetables as much as you are supposed to, but come on, there’s only so much flavor you can put into broccoli to stop it feeling like you are eating a wet lawn.
These boring meals are making you lose your zest for life. You walk around like a zombie because you haven’t actually eaten anything that tasted like food for ages. You look up creative recipes on the internet, to add some color and flavor to your currently dull life, but gosh, where on earth can you find chia seeds or quinoa.
Stage 7: I am so hungry, I am going to die
A few days away from flavor and skipping all those desserts, cakes and take out that your colleagues have been getting, you feel yourself turning insane. You feel extremely unsatisfied and incomplete. Your frustration and pent up anger can no longer be contained and like Wallace and Gromit: the Sequel, you slowly become the WERE-RABBIT.
Stage 8: You start to see food everywhere
You regret missing on that Biriyani immensely. You can’t even remember the taste of Ulundu wade and crave and crave a hot cheese and roast chicken kottu from Pillawoos. You start thinking, dreaming, living your cravings and you are seriously feeling miserable.
This diet is ruining your life and everyone you love knows it. When you meet your boyfriend at 5 in the evening, you can see the fear in his eyes. He’s wondering if it’s you or if you’ve become the Were-rabbit. You wish you knew the answer yourself.
Stage 9: You sure you don’t want one fry?
The waiter comes and your friend orders a rich meal of a Burger and fries and looks at you, and you say no, you’ll just have the Grilled Chicken and vegetables. You nibble on your bell peppers and onions and grilled chicken you’ve been eating for the past 2 weeks and eye your friends’ meal.
Then comes the dreaded question, “You sure you don’t want one fry?”
Oh no.
All hell breaks loose. You feel all the emotions and feelings you’ve been restricting inside your mind break free, but you can’t stop. You order a Burger and fries yourself along with a Chocolate Sundae and demolish it. You run and start rampaging the kitchen at home, eating everything you see on your way. Everyone runs away screaming for their life before you eat them too.
Stage 10: You ain’t ever gonna do this again
You’ve fulfilled that hole in your soul and regret ever starting in the first place. And boy, you ain’t ever, ever, ever, gonna do something this stupid ever again.
