2020 Apr 16
Your questions on bringing the spice back to your sex life have been answered! Venereologist Dr. Prageeth Premadasa and Writer, Journalist and Activist Nadeesha Paulis got down to the nitty-gritty of maintaining a sex life while juggling other commitments in addition to navigating through the latest hookup culture or as its best called, “free-loving!” Here’s what they had to say.
For those living with a partner
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Experiment!
For those who have been in a sexual relationship with the same partner for some time, sex can sometimes become a rut. Try switching things up by trying new sex positions, finding a new location, adding some toys into your routine or maybe even some extra foreplay.
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Look to the Web for inspiration
The World Wide Web is a goldmine of information worth searching for tips and tricks for spicing up your sex life. Be sure to read up on different suggestions and find what suits you and your partner best.
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Discover the joy of sexting
Sexting involves sending and receiving sexual content like images and/or messages through a digital medium. This can be a great way to explore your sexuality and express trust while also establishing boundaries. The cardinal rule here is to refrain from sending nudes that reveal your identity. In an age where nudes are often used to blackmail and exploit the sender, it is best to err on the side of caution. The rule still applies if you are in a relationship with someone you trust wholeheartedly because you can never tell when or if someone’s phone accidentally falls into the wrong hands.
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Set the scene
Sometimes, all it takes to revitalize you or your partner’s sex drive is to spice things up in the bedroom. Consider creating a ‘sexy’ playlist, use candles for a romantic ambiance and try adding a little romance to your bedroom for additional sex-appeal.
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Hike up the anticipation!
Sex therapists dictate that some extra foreplay is a guaranteed way to ensure better sex and satisfaction. From a game of strip poker, a cheeky session involving truth and dare to a sensual massage – the choices are endless.
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Low sex drive? Check up on your mental health
The fact that stress and anxiety can cause a low sex drive may come as a surprise to some. According to Dr. Prageeth, higher stress levels and poor mental health may affect women, in particular. Other barriers to enjoying sex and experiencing a loss in sexual desire may stem from a lack of emotional satisfaction, recent childbirth, or even socio-cultural influences. This is why healthy and frequent communication between two sexual partners is key to maintaining a high libido.
FAQ
Q: As of late, I don’t find my husband attractive and my sex drive has decreased. How can I resolve this?
“Having intervals of low libido and less sexual attraction to one’s partner is quite common,” says Dr. Prageeth. “Females, especially, may find that anxiety and higher stress levels can cause a decrease in their sex drive. This can lead to problems with achieving an orgasm and feeling no desire for sex. For men, stress and anxiety can result in problems with erection,” he added. It is important to understand that such issues are very common among sexual partners.
The solution lies in better communication. Talk to your partner freely and openly. Having an honest conversation on what ‘turns you on’ in addition to any other unresolved matters that deserve attention is vital. Nadeesha suggests pleasuring oneself as one solution to having better sex the next time around. “Pleasure yourself first. Not only is it a great way to boost body positivity but by doing so, you also discover what works best for you,” she added. Trying some of the other methods listed above would also come in handy to increase sexual desire and revitalize the kind of relationship you have with your sexual partner.
Q: How can we manage to have sex with our children in the house?
Try to make some space in your schedule for some uninterrupted time together. Try going to bed at the same time together because the chances of becoming intimate are higher as opposed to going to bed at different times. “If your kids have a habit of sleeping on the same bed, know that it’s okay to tell them that they need to go to their own room sometimes,” says Dr. Prageeth. If these options don’t seem possible, consider getting intimate in the morning while the children are still asleep.
Q: I experience pain during sex. What is the reason for this and how can I address it?
Pain during sex is common if you are having intercourse for the very first time or after a considerably long time.
However, unusual and repeated pain that does not go away can be a condition called ‘vaginismus.’ Vaginismus refers to involuntary muscle spasms that prevent vaginal penetration, thereby causing sexual intercourse to be painful and sometimes even impossible. This condition is often a result of fear, past trauma, a lack of sex education or not having explored one’s genital area previously, according to Dr. Prageeth. Treatment for vaginismus often lies in touching exercises and other treatment options by a medical expert.
Pain during sex could also indicate an infection or sexually transmitted disease. If you experience unusual bleeding, new or worsening pain, nausea or vomiting and/or rectal pain, consult a healthcare professional immediately.
For those who are single and/or living with parents
“Spicing up” your sex life can be a challenge if you are single and/or living with your parents or extended family, during the quarantine. However, there are ways to navigate through ‘sexy time’ in such restrictive environments.
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Self-pleasuring
Masturbating or pleasuring oneself is a great way to explore yourself and your body, find out what turns you on and help you become body positive. Don’t rush the process. There is no better time than being in quarantine, to get in the groove and take some extra time for yourself.
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Up your phone sex game
Phone sex, be it via text messaging or a phone call, is a great way to spice things up during quarantine. If you are new to the game, begin with a few sweet gestures and work your way up as the conversation develops.
Don’t forget the cardinal rule: While sharing nudes is a great way to feel empowered about your sexuality and your body image, be precautious and refrain from sending nudes that reveal your identity.
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Read or listen to erotica
Erotic fiction and ‘audio porn’ is another recommended way to spice things up. This new and different method of arousal works well, with a long-distance partner or even alone.
FAQ
Q: Why do females take longer to reach an orgasm?
Women take relatively longer to reach orgasm due to a number of different reasons. “One reason might be due to the fact that you may not be as familiar with your body as you should be,” says Nadeesha. In addition to barriers concerning mental health problems such as stress and anxiety, “some women are geared into thinking that sex is a race. It’s important not to rush things and instead, enjoy the moment,” she added. Additionally, attempts to live up to pornographic depictions of women can also be an added stressor. Porn that is freely available on the Internet shows inaccurate and unrealistic depictions of what a woman should look like or do, during sexual intercourse. Nadeesha recommends refraining from trying to live up to such portrayals and instead, be yourself.
Q: Will my immunity decrease if I masturbate?
A recent misconception in the age of COVID-19 is a newfound fear of contracting an infection or being susceptible to decreased immunity if one masturbates. “There is no neuroscientific evidence to show that masturbating can cause lower immunity,” points out Dr. Prageeth. Such false information is not a cause for concern.
Navigating Hookup Culture
Hookup culture or as it is best called “free-loving” refers to the practice of having sexual relationships with no strings attached. Making the choice to engage in ‘free-loving’ might be a confusing decision to make, at times, and may not be the right option for some. We have different motivations, goals and life choices with regard to who we choose as a sexual partner, why we have sex, etc. While some people may be averse to the idea of ‘friends with benefits’ and ‘one-night-stands,’ it is important to be non-judgmental of someone else’s choice to do so, especially in a society like Sri Lanka.
“Free loving is a wonderful form of self-expression,” says Nadeesha. Some point to the positive experiences that stem from non-committal sex and free-loving while others may have experienced the opposite. For those who are considering the prospect of free-loving, Nadeesha recommends “finding someone who listens to you and respects a mutual give-and-take. This is still important in a no-strings-attached relationship.” Additionally, it is also incredibly important to practice safe sex, regardless of the nature of the relationship. “Do not be afraid to visit a testing clinic yourself. And remember that it is completely within your rights to know and ask if your partner has been tested for STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). It is important that both partners realize that asking such questions relates to nothing personal,” she added.
