2017 Dec 23
As the early morning rays of the sun slowly creep in through your window and you feel the cold wet breeze trying to fight through the protective layer of your cozy blanket which you are wrapped and cuddled up in, hear the rain splashing on the gutter outside with the smell of a homemade parippu and paan concoction wafting in the air, threatening to be wiped clean by your brothers, whose stomachs are bottomless pits, reality suddenly hits you like a truck! You need to wake up because you have to get to office. On days like these, don’t you wish you had a list of excuses you could feed your boss so you can ditch the world of responsibility to just sleep in? Well, look no further because I have drafted a list which has proven to be quite useful, along with being personally tried and tested.
1. Funerals and weddings
Kill to live. The sudden death of an imaginary distant relative or an already dead relative helps a lot when you are desperate to spend an entire day in bed and can’t bear a day at the office desk. Employees find it most convenient to lie about any relative’s sad demise to grab a day off along with some sympathy. Now, since death is inevitable and equally unexpected, an off even on the day of an important meeting would be granted without much worry. But watch out people; be careful with the selection of the relatives you would be killing. Such excuses, even if said in good intention, can bring you bad luck. And also don’t kill off your grandparents 12 times – your boss will eventually catch on.
2. Festival/ Religious Events that you wouldn’t dare miss cause you are a devoted *insert religion*
No one can question you when it involves God or any of your religious beliefs. So any important puja at home which you usually used to skip can now come to your rescue. Tell your boss how important it is for you and for the prosperity of your career. Try to get your boss some festival sweets the next day, so that he believes all excuses aren’t just excuses and his faith in humanity will eventually be restored. Living in a multicultural and multi-ethnic country certainly has its advantages. These excuses come in handy and also score you major points as being a nice good person who goes to the temple.
3. Doctors appointments and fake sick leaves
This excuse will get you out of work for a half-day at least. Make the appointment first thing in the morning or late in the day, say around 3 p.m. You can leave the office by 2:30 p.m. and get home (hopefully) by 4 p.m. The shortened day will help you recharge, especially if you schedule it on a Friday afternoon.
The be-all, end-all of fake excuses is some good old-fashioned food poisoning. You could easily miss work and get outdoors, because light food poisoning doesn’t leave any real physical evidence behind. When you come back from food poisoning, all you have to do is clutch your stomach a little when your boss is looking, or maybe put on some extra-pale foundation and skip the mascara to make yourself look like you haven’t eaten for a few days, and blame it on some bad roti you ate at a a saiver kade.
However, if you use a nasty cold or bronchitis as an excuse, then when you come back to work, you’ll have to bring real physical evidence with you, like a still-wet cough or a still-slightly-runny nose. This sort of physical evidence is difficult to fake, and when you do a poor job of it, your boss will become suspicious.
Keep in mind that the feeling-ill excuse is a short-term solution that won’t win you any fans at the office—someone else will have to pick up the slack, or you’ll miss deadlines. And it won’t help your career either! Thinking long-term, consider getting a new job that you’ll actually look forward to going to.
4. Family emergency
Anything will fly! From your family member falling ill to them needing help with moving. To be honest, a family emergency isn’t something you ever have to specify too much. So just arm yourself with a solemn face and a bit of a cracked voice and you will have people thinking your family must be like going through turmoil when in fact the only problem your family has is that somebody keeps finishing the Marie biscuits in the cupboard.
5. An accident of epic proportions
How about a fake accident on the way to office? It will certainly seem like you intended to go to office, but fate played with your staunch dedication to your work. Tell the boss about the gruesome accident you met with on the way to your work and then cue the theatrics but try to bring it down a notch so it seems at least semi-believable. You could explain to him how badly your car was damaged and tell him that it needed immediate repair, and the hassle of dealing with the cops.
6. Miscellaneous throng of excuses that are pretty rock solid
From bank work to visa interviews, all of these institutions and organizations operate only during the day thus giving you the perfect little wrapped up excuse when you simply can’t handle work anymore because Sampath from accounting will not stop bothering you about the budget (yes Sampath if you are reading this I hope you know how annoying you are when it comes around to budget approval periods).
If you have any other excuses you think would work, go ahead and comment below as well!